The Birth of Max

The story of Max or

how I became a mama

More than two years ago our life changed from simple and wonderful into just perfect. 

How can this be over two years? I thought about writing his story so very often... I thought about to write in german or in english, I thought about where to start, what to mention, in what order to put the moments... and I was afraid to write it down and not to find the right words to honour this so special day, this so precious night. I was afraid of leaving something out and attaching simple words to a moment that was incredibly far from everything that is called simple.

And when it would be difficult to remember the moment I became a mama... I´m going to hug and kiss my son... and I´m sure... every single feeling is coming up to my mind again to be written down. 

To write the story of Max´ birth down is like composing a loveletter for him. To share all the feelings, emotions and impressions I had during my first pregnancy and birth are an expression of my entire love I feel for my son.

Pregnant for one week... not knowing

I will never ever forget the moment I had the positive pregnancy test in my hands. I was completely overwhelmed by the joy I felt. I wanted to cry but then there was kind of a strange caution something could be wrong with the test. Unfortunately I had to do this alone because my husband was abroad.

So I just sent Martin a sweet message that we are going to become a family. The lovingly words he wrote back let me feel his love and affection for me... and our baby on the way.

A few days later we had an appointment at the doctor´s. A teeny tiny heart was already beating inside me. Strong and quickly... incredible and so emotional!

From this time on a wonderful, exciting, trouble-free pregnancy full of anticipation began. I really enjoyed the development from a little belly into a huge round ball. I loved it so much. Never had the feeling of being too big or not attractive any more. 

One week before birth

On the contrary: I felt more beautiful than ever! Spent the whole day caressing my pregnant belly, talking to my baby and singing for him.

Yes... him... we found out to get a little baby boy! Too wonderful!

For nine months I was looking forward to his birth -  to feel his warm and velvety skin on my breast - but on the other side I wanted to stay pregnant forever. To feel the little feet and fingers tickling inside me gave me the most fantastic feeling I had up to now.

Having 38+0 weeks full - it was the 13th of November -  we had to point out at the hospital where I´m working as a midwife. I never wasted any thought there could be something other than normal. Happily my pregnancy was totally free from any discomfort and completely natural and so I expected my first birth to be.

After indicating data I had a cardiotocography. Unfortunately I could not help but check it out by myself. So... after a while I noticed a restricted heart rate which could be an indication for a sleeping baby or... an umbilical cord problem.

My collegues and the doctors trusted in me when I said that there was everything alright with my son and totally refused the c-section. But I had to come to regular controls. I was always afraid of needing a ceasarean section. I only wanted a natural birth, no drugs, no not-necessary intervention.

We had another ctg next morning but no changes. So I had to stay in hospital. It was the 14th of November. I was really sad because I wanted to spend the last single days together with my loved and not in hospital. 

I was so nervous... tried not to cry

So we went home - last time just the two of us -  picked up my hospital stuff and returned to the delivery room.

Next control... same bad result. The c-section was more consideration than ever. I still refused. The deal was to make a contraction stress test the next day. This was the best and only suggestion I could live with.

Sunday, 15th november 2009

Imprints from countless heart rate checks

We were the whole day waiting for them to call us to the delivery room. Martin and I were pretty nervous due to the fact that it was possible our baby would not manage the artifical contractions and my biggest wish, having a natural birth would be gone.

Nevertheless we spend a lovingly time together talking about all possibilities... not to be completely surprised in the worst case.

In the delivery room... Syntocinon started

They called us to come half past two... entering the birthing area was so exciting... I have been there hundreds of times but this time it gave me a strange feeling to know that I will only leave it as a mama... to our baby boy.

At about 3 p.m. we started the ctg and half an hour later the syntocinon going full blast. The contractions were quite good to breathe through although getting more intense.  Another half an hour later my waters broke and labor began to be overwhelming. The contractions turned into a constant pain! No recovery, just aching!

Already suffering from nausea

The delivery room was comfy... we had Enya playing the whole birth and no glaring light. The music gave me so much, listening to Enya´s voice made me calm down, focusing on the next relaxing break and trying to hold on.

I really tried to be concentrated, to breathe my pain away, to be focused on my son, to be full of delight.

But the artifical pain was so strong... I had to vomit and had tears in my eyes. Crying would have been too exhausting and so I couldn´t. Martin and mama never left my side. My darling´s support meant everything to me. Right from beginning, through all labor, he never ever was whining, saying or doing anything inappropriate. 

Best company woman could have

Sometimes I thought my body couldn´t do it, thought to give up... but at these points I was encouraged by all people around me. M was caressing and pressing my hurting back between the contractions, sometimes whispering so lovely words into my ear and most of the time only remaining silent. 
Mama was holding my hand when needed, giving me to drink, dextrose or lip gloss for my dry lips from breathing.

My midwife Dorothea was supporting me with words, finding the most helpful birth position, using homeopathy, and applying kinesiology. When I struggled to remember to breathe she brought me back on the way.

One of the most difficult things was to rely on the obstetricians, not to follow the ctg and to listen to their secret talks. I was still afraid something could still get wrong and I would get this c/s.

Hopefully all thoughts stopped when the pain was growing incredibly, nearly not to handle. But then I completely trusted in my son to cope the labor perfectly and to come to my arms naturally.This was a big change.

At 7 p.m. I got an infusion. I could relax for the first time but not very long. About one and a half hours later my transition phase began and I came to the point where my forces started to vanish. The contractions came every two or three minutes being that painful, I thought I would be torn into pieces. I had the feeling my bones would break and I could localize exactly where my baby´s head was moving.

The problem was, my cervix was completely dilated for three hours nearly, baby´s head rotated correctly but no progress. I was really dejected.

When you give birth in a hospital it´s nearly impossible to fight the system. Nobody is going to wait longer than the guidelines allow it. Trust in the woman´s body to manage natural birth is a rare thing.

Birth complications are in everybody´s minds.

As I´m working as a midwife I knew what was the conclusion of the little progresses we made. All medical stuff wanted my baby to be born. Neither I, nor my little babyboy ever showed any kind of distress but the general opinion was... this birth lasted already too long!

So... my mind´s eye saw the scissors, the vacuum extractor and my boy going with the pediatrician. I was scared to death. Still hoped my boy getting the curve and coming to me. Nothing... on all fours, lateral positions, deep crouch... he still needed time!

 
They took two blood samples out of baby´s head...  happiliy they were alright... I had no doubt they wouldn't.

My labor pains were so, so strong. Many of the things happening aroud me I did not realize. I can not remember everything. It´s kind of memory loss from a hangover.

About 22.55 - nearly midnight - all started to be hectic. There were so many people: three midwifes, the pediatrician, two obstetricians... too much!

Fortunately I didn´t feel it badly but looking back I don´t think that all of these interventions were necessary. Looking back I don´t know why my syntocinon ran in during the whole birthing process. It started with stress test and never stopped. So the artifical labor pains were nearly breaking me.

I really had and have the very best attitude to birth and pains. When it wouldn´t be this way... I don´t know if I would have wanted any more babies!?

My body tried to push him out for over two hours now. All positions tried but no more time for us, they brought me into bed on my back, I had two episiotomies, one during a contraction and the next one not!  ... and then they put on the vacuum extraktor.

I exactly remember this horrible pain... I thought would kill me. I screamed like hell although this is not my character at all. During all exhausting labor I could concentrate well. Now I was afraid for my baby and me.

After pulling with the vac and two pushing on my pregnant belly my boy´s head was born. When there wouln´t have been this outrageous pain I would have been so happy.

Waiting for a contraction my head was empty. I only wished him out... for the first time during whole pregnancy.I could not believe this was real. That I´m going to hold my own baby in a few seconds.

No contraction came and so pushing on the belly and pulling between the legs started again.

And then in an instant... at 23.05... my babyboy slipped out... the umbilical cord around his neck...  and never ever in my whole life I will forget these feelings I had right in these seconds. I would go through everything again and again just to have this moment! Then he was  handed to me,  my naked, warm and velvety boy, to my bare chest... in this moment I fell in love... with my entire heart... totally and forever! 
I pulled his body... not very pink yet... to my face and kissed his head and face on and on. I cried out my happiness, my joy, my relief... I cried and cried... I could not stop.... my tears washed his face.

This beautiful, perfect and tiny little baby... now ours. He came out of me... this was so overwhelming... I cried like a big baby and could not calm down. Instead of him... he was, after a short crying hello, so calm and peaceful, staring at us with his lovingly eyes... like he already loved us too!

Max was born Sunday, the 15th of November 2009, 23.05

Only 5 minutes after him I birthed the placenta. She was divided into two pieces... a bipartita. 

While I was stitched and mended our very new baby snug to me, looking around and already searching for some yummy milk. I didn´t let anyone taking him away from me.

I tried to focus on him but the to-do between my legs was unpleasant and a bit painful too. I was so happy I could hold him the whole time... what a perfect distraction and bonding!
I just remember me sobbing with joy, Martin´s face close to mine... sobbing as well.
I just remember telling my son "I love you" "I love you"... thanking him to be in my arms.
I just remember us laughing, crying, kissing, cuddling and enjoying these irretrievably moments.
I thought I must be dreaming because this joy I felt could not be possible!

Finally our midwife took him to be weighed and scored... done right beside us. 2826g on the scale and 52cm long... teeny tiny darling!

Two hours after birth we were transfered to the postpartum station. I spent the last hours of the night sleeping with my very new and naked baby cuddling on me... Max covered with his light blue baby blanket. This was so incredibly wonderful... I still have this feeling in my mind. 
Daddy stayed with us for a short time to send an e-mail with your first lovely pic and your features to our familiy and friends.

During the next three days in hospital I had to handle the fact that he is now our son. Looking at him... I couldn´t believe it. Happiliy I hadn´t the feeling of a bad birth. I was proud of me that I could do it. Due to the fact that it was very hard work. 

In hindsight I wouldn´t have consented some interventions and I´m sure it would have been possible to have a  more natural birth.

Nevertheless, the moment of meeting Max for the first time was worth everything! 

Nevertheless everything was perfect... because this special birth brought Max to me!

But as I type these lines I already had two very different births. My babygirl´s will be written soon. Max´ birth tought me a lot about the whole birthing process, nevertheless I was too cowed to let myself in a natural - maybe homebirth - with Lina. For a very long time I have lost the trust in my body to be able to manage a birth on it´s own. 

I had too many complications in my mind and did not even think about a birth not in hospital. I read and researched so much that I exactly know what I want now... at least what I do not want any more.  Confessed, I occupied myself a lot with natural birth and hypnobirthing and hope for the fulfillment of a long-cherished dream with maybe baby number three ;-)